Not proud

On websites like Tumblr, to which I am now addicted, I've suddenly become very wary of posting or reblogging anything to do with SH. Not only recently did an anon call me an attention whore for reblogging a single SH-related post (I can't even for the life of me remember what it was), after previously bothering me once before about promoting SH, which I would rather die than do, but I've started to become increasingly.. ashamed.

My recent cuts where on my thigh, but when they couldn't be deep enough, out of frustration I cut across my left leg. The cuts aren't very big, but they are definitely noticeable, and I immediately regretted it, because now I know that not only will these cuts be seen when I have my first PE (Physical education, or Gym) lesson, but I will have to go back to wearing long pj's again, and the night time is just so warm. I'm a fucking idiot, I know. And smart and intelligent me forgot to buy tracksuit bottoms to wear instead of a gym skirt, so I'm going to look very attention seeking.

I worry now that every little thing I do makes me appear attention-seeking. I worry if I dress in a certain way, that would make it look like I'm trying to hide something, people will notice, and not call it out - no, I'm not concerned about what people actually say to me, what bothers and drives me insane is what they don't say, and choose to merely think, and express via the means of either staring, or looking at me. If that makes any sense.

After my first day back at school (we're the oldest now yey), I remembered that I was going to speak to the school nurse, who sometimes calls me in to speak to her for around 30-40 minutes about, well, how I'm doing, feeling ect. But honestly, she's not helping. All she does is ask about my school work, and when I say that I won't do well, she tells me to try hard. Yes, I could get this advice from my family/teachers/friends/anyone. Near the end of the sessions, she'll often ask me if there is anything else I wan to discuss, to which I normally say "what like.. cutting?", to which she'll just shrug and say "well, have you done it again?". And then the usual conversation follows suit.
"Yes"
"Why?"
"I don't know"
"Are you going to do it again?"
"No"
"Ok. Did you try the distraction methods I told you?"
"Yes"
"Did they work?"
"No"
"Ok, keep trying them".
The end.
She's not helping. I went to her when I started cutting again after going through a messy argument (I had previously sought help before. The woman I spoke to - albeit only one session, and that took forever to be arranged - did nothing but tell me to tell my mum about it. I did, and my mum told me she felt sick, and couldn't even look at me.

I'm considering asking a friend to go with me to see my GP, and arrange an appointment to speak to him privately, without my family's knowledge, about the self harming. I'm hoping that it won't have to go back to my family, but I know as I'm underage, it's not a definite that I'll be able to hide it from them forever..