I didn't know where to write this, but I wanted to get my feelings out through a sort of rant - this feels like the only place where things won't be seen by anyone nowadays.
I promise you, I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I'm not an attention seeker. I'm trying so hard not to post things in places where people will see - that's sort of what this blog was for originally, but I'm running out of energy to restrain my feelings.
I'm so, so, so, so sorry that I don't know how to keep them in, and stop looking like an attention seeker, I really really am.
I honestly don't know how else to make myself appear non-attention seeking. I've taken to not talk about things that interest me and rather what interests my friends, I cut in places that are rarely, if not never seen, I don't tell people when I do it anymore, I don't cry in front of people, I try and smile, I try and laugh no matter the joke.
I really don't know how to get it across to you, how to put it into words, how to write it down on my blog, or how to explain it when 'You won't understand' 'Well make us understand'.
I don't know if I've ever told anyone that I did - maybe I did tell someone during my 'attention-seeking days', where I was so desperate from the slightest bit of attention from my friends, so that they'd understand that I'm eating myself away inside, mentally and emotionally. But, I think this would be my first online confession, upfront and not subtle, like, instead of reblogging a gif via Tumblr saying something like 'The days get darker, the thoughts get darker, the urges get darker, until there's nothing left but a bottle of pills, a gun, or a rope...'
No, I'm going to be upfront and say that I've thought more than once of ways to kill myself.
Would you call me attention seeking because of this? I would understand if you did. I'd understand if you did when I tell you I've even held the box of pills in my hand and taken the time to realize,
'Hey, Connie, guess what? You've got the chance, and the ability to do it right in your hand. How scary is it? To hold the method of killing yourself in your hand, and the only thing that is stopping you is the consequences?'.
And you know what, that, and the fact that I'm a coward, are the only reasons I've not done it.
I fear the consequences that would follow if I did it. My family's feelings of failing me, of not been able to go into my room without thinking of it as the place their daughter killed herself.
As much as I argue with my family, I am not ignorant of their love for me, because I feel it too. I love them so very much, because the vast majority of them haven't left me yet. And god it feels so amazing to know that, even when my best friend left me, I had my mum's shoulder to cry onto. Or my dad to tell me that life goes on, and I'm worth a thousand times more than said friend.
